"Leaning in" in practice - how on earth to do it?

This evening, I listened to Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In TED-talk while cleaning the toilet. It's all very interesting and thought provoking, and I appreciated what she had to say. Women need to lean in more? Sure! Men need to be real partners? Of course! And women need to stop leaving work before they've left work? Makes perfect sense to me. It's a bit late for me now as I'm now at home with two children, but me of three years ago would have benefited from her words of wisdom about that one. Although, to be perfectly honest, such was my pregnancy-addled mind in the final stages of pregnancy, it would have taken a lobotomy to stop me leaving work mentally before I left physically. But, I take her point. That's different from needing a lobotomy to remain committed to work while trying for a baby. 

I found myself nodding along with her as I scraped the brush inside the bowl. Then, I realised what I was actually doing. I was listening to a well-informed piece about women in the workforce, while fulfilling my domestic duties. When, technically, I am currently a stay at home mum.  Right at that moment, the only thing I was leaning into was the toilet. 

That got me thinking: where does advice like Sandberg's leave women like me? Women who had jobs they loved, but now have children they love even more. Women who would dearly love to make both work life and family life work out, but have no idea how to actually do that in practice. Women who already have children, so if they do work they don't have the time or the mental energy to do all of that leaning in anymore, as there are meals to cook, children to collect from nursery, and washing to be done. So much washing. Piles, in fact. Washing that breeds while we sleep and quadruples its amount before you can get it anywhere near a machine. 

The hard thing is, I think, that we women are far too dependent on other people to make it work. First and foremost, as Sandberg points out, we're dependent on our partners to pull their weight and contribute equally to household chores. I have one friend who's husband said recently that looking after children "wasn't in his DNA", and there are a number of women who don't have partners at all. I know plenty of others with husbands who would win a gold medal at the slacker Olympics, and plenty of women who don't expect them to help in the first place. 

Second, we're dependent on our employers. We're dependent on them for flexible arrangements, and for not holding us back when we can't travel or work long hours. Leaning in is great in theory, but hard when you've got children. Last year I was on a work trip while 28 weeks pregnant, and the most important meeting of the trip happened to occur at 9 pm. I attended, but had to leave at 10.30. With a toddler at home and a baby in my belly, I was far too tired to stay up any longer. I certainly wasn't able to lean in on that occasion. Unless you count leaning into the pillows in my hotel room, harbouring that awful feeling that many working mothers have that we're not doing anything well. Can't be a good mum as I'm away from my son, and can't be a good worker as am too tired to stay at meeting. Lose lose all round. 

Yet, in spite of us being so dependent on those other factors, the decision whether to work or not seems to sit on our shoulders more than anyone else's. It's heartening to see change in how many families perceive women's work, but there is still a long way to go. Phrases like "the mother should be at home," "women can't have it all", "all of my wage will be eaten up by childcare" (rather than part of the household wage) and "what's the point in having kids for someone else to raise?" are still commonly used. Just last week someone said to me that they thought women should be at home, as no kid deserves a "part-time Mum". Sadly, though, I can't conjure up a perfect part-time solution out of the air that will both allow me to advance my career and spend time with my children. When faced with this decision, rather than lean in, many women lean out. They lean out so far they're no longer in the traditional workforce. Which, according to recent studies, leaves the women harbouring as many regrets in the future as women who went back to work full-time.

I'm glad that Sandberg has said what she did, as it's useful. At the very least, it's provided some interesting conversation fodder with other mothers I know. I also want to "Lean in" and have a good career. But I want to spend time with my children too. So, while I agree with Sandberg in theory, I still don't know where to start.

And until I figure that out, at least I can still do some leaning in while cleaning the bathroom. 

International Women's Day: a letter to my grandmothers

Dear grandmothers, great grandmothers, great great grandmothers, and all the rest of you that came before,

I never got to meet any of you. My grandmothers, you died in the decade before my birth, and the rest of you long before that. I've been thinking about you recently, while working on this blog. I've especially been thinking about you all now I have a daughter.  I think about all of the things I'd love to talk to you about. Most of all, I'd love to hear your stories. Not the big and exciting stories that make it into the history books, but the simple, everyday ones. Like: what was your favourite article of clothing when you were in your 20s? What were your labours like? How did you fix your hair? What chores did you hate the most? Was the father of your children your first love, or a love at all? What did you do for fun? Did you do anything for fun? Did you want to travel? Were you happy? 

And to the women of my matrilineal line - my mother's mother's mother's mother's right back to the seven daughters of Eve: when you spoke to your children, were you shocked by how much like your mother you sounded? I hope so. Because I often am surprised by how much like my mother I sound, and I like the idea that I might be sounding like you too, although we've never met. 

As I write this, I'm also a little ashamed. I'm ashamed that I know so few of your names. I know the names of many of my male ancestors, as these have been better passed down through the generations. So few people even care about your names. When I was pregnant with my son, many people asked if he would be named after my father, or my husbands father. When I was pregnant with my daughter, not a single person asked that about my mother or husband's mother. It didn't occur to them, and unless that changes, my descendants won't know my name either, when they may know my husband's and my son's.